In the Garden
by Girl in a White Dress
Summary: The Brothers Karamazov. Written for Yuletide 2008. Alyosha, Dmitri, Grushenka.


Title: In the Garden  
Fandom: Fyodor Dostoevsky - The Brothers Karamazov  
Rating: PG  
Summary: Some days Alyosha thinks he can feel God walking beside him, and he doesn't dare turn to look.  
A/N: Written for **zeldadestry **for Yuletide 2008. Many thanks to **delgaserasca **for the beta.

**

Alyosha prays more these days. His prayers are different now, too. He walks through the woods and imagines how Adam must have felt in the Garden of Eden, walking side-by-side with God. Some days Alyosha thinks he can feel God walking beside him, and he doesn't dare turn to look. When he feels this, it's as if the air is brighter, lighter, fresher. His heart feels less burdened and he is both exhilarated and frightened. He desperately wants to turn and look into the face of God, but he is afraid. He knows he is not worthy, perhaps just by virtue of being a Karamazov.

And so he keeps walking, his prayers turning into praise at God's goodness and mercy, His grace and compassion. He thanks God for his calling and prays for further wisdom and direction.

Some days he feels as if God is not listening to him. On these days he sinks to his knees in the grass and weeps. The sense of abandonment is like nothing he has ever known and he feels as if his heart might break.

He remembers Job, then, and can breathe a little easier. God did not abandon Job and he will not abandon Alyosha. Sometimes He will test him, but He will never be far away. And so his prayers of despair turn into praise, just like the Psalmist David.

Most of the time, though, he prays for Dmitri.

**

Grushenka comes to visit. She is different to the Grushenka he met before all this began; she is quieter now, less vibrant than she used to be.

"I love your brother," she says one morning. She is standing at the window with her back to Alyosha. "I didn't at first, you know."

Alyosha watches her, silent. He doesn't know what to say to her. He knows without having to ask that she feels guilty for coming between father and son, even though that was her intention at the time. He understands remorse.

He also knows that she seeks some kind of penance, but he is not the one who can give it to her. He doubts that a priest could absolve her either.

"Why don't you spend some time at the monastery?" he suggests. "It might do you good."

She glances backwards over her shoulder. Her face is pale, her lips compressed in a thin line. "And have people think I'm hiding? No. I'm not going anywhere."

Alyosha pours another cup of tea and carries it to her. "You wouldn't be hiding."

"What, then?" She takes the tea and blows the surface to cool it.

"To seek."

**

Dmitri talks of the future. As long as Grushenka loves him, there is hope. He tells Alyosha of his dreams: a family, a life far away from here, Grushenka always at his side.

Alyosha thinks again of Adam and Eve in the garden. Grushenka is Eve; if not for her, perhaps none of this would have happened. Perhaps Dmitri would be married to Katya now, and Father would still be alive. Perhaps Alyosha would have remained at the monastery.

"Grushenka says she will wait for me," Dmitri says.

Alyosha listens to his brother talk and understands why things happened the way they did. He wonders what his own future holds: if he will embrace the Karamazov name and legacy, or if he will turn into his father and brothers.

He wants to return to the monastery. He yearns for the simplicity of service. He wants a life dedicated to God and not the pleasures of the flesh. What scares him is that the longer he's in the outside world, the harder it will be to return.

**

He visits Grushenka at the monastery. She is sitting on a bench in the garden making a garland of flowers for the little girl playing at her feet. Alyosha watches from a distance and smiles. He was right to suggest that she come here.

She finishes the garland and places it around the girl's neck. The child skips off. Alyosha is surprised by the tenderness of Grushenka's expression.

He steps closer, coughing to announce his presence.

Grushenka jumps up and throws her arms around Alyosha. "I was wondering when you'd come."

"You seem happy here."

She smiles. "It's peaceful."

"Dmitri says you haven't been to see him recently."

Her smile fades and her gaze falls to the floor. "I've needed time."

Alyosha suddenly thinks perhaps her presence here is the wrong thing, after all.

**

Dmitri holds the letter out for Alyosha to take. "Have you read it?"

Alyosha shakes his head.

"Do you know what it says?"

"No."

Dmitri shoves it into Alyosha's hand. "She wants to be a nun. She says she's found peace."

This is her penance, Alyosha thinks as he reads the letter. This is her absolution.

"I'm sorry, Mitya. I don't know what to say."

Dmitri sinks onto the chair and buries his face in his hands. His body shakes as he begins to sob. Alyosha puts his hand on Dmitri's shoulder.

"She said she would wait." Dmitri's voice is muffled.

"I know."

"What am I supposed to do now?"

Alyosha wants to tell him there is still hope, even without a future with Grushenka. He wants to tell him to look to God.

He says nothing; Dmitri is not ready to hear it.

**

Alyosha prays in the woods because he cannot bear to return to the monastery. Grushenka is not there; she has moved to a convent as a novice. Still, there are too many other memories at the monastery that Alyosha doesn't want to face.

God is here, in these woods.

Here, there are no distractions. Here, he can focus on prayer. Here, he can feel God's presence and hear His voice.

He prays for his brothers, who are lost in different ways. He prays for Grushenka, that this path might truly bring her peace. He prays for Katya and Lise, too, though he has seen neither of them for months.

He prays for himself, for the strength to resist his Karamazov nature.

And he prays for courage to look into the face of God.


End file.
